My Stream of Thoughts This Morning.

They are placing my big brothers headstone as I type this.  I have never been part of something like this and I am not sure how to handle it.  Yes, we have had other deaths in our family but when it came to Grandparents headstones they were already in place by the time that I was old enough to understand or comprehend. 

Should I leave work and be there while they place it, or should I just wait until after?  My mind and my heart are so unsure at this point.  I want to visit his grave, but I almost want to do it alone.  Yes, I have visited a few times since he died, but never alone and never to cry.  I seem to have a really hard time crying in front of others, I always have to be the strong one.  I miss him. 

My big brother, Roy, was such a contrast in who he was throughout his life.  But in the end he was so close to God and managed to teach me so much about love, faith and dignity.  How I wish I could look into his eyes and tell him how much I appreciated him, how much I miss him, and how wonderful his girls are.  They help their mom so much, more than most kids will ever have too.  He would be so proud.

I am so very thankful for our last phone conversation and will always hear him say, "Hey Sis.", forever in my mind and heart.  I will never forget his voice or his one armed hugs, just thinking about the hugs makes me smile.  I really miss my big brother. 

My heart is breaking as I think of all of the time that we missed.  Thank you Roy for teaching me that God is in control and that God will always know.  Faith!!  He taught me what a gift faith can be.

I miss you.

midRae

My Thoughts.

One year ago today we said goodbye to my big brother, Roy. 

He battled cancer for 5 years, along with no kidneys.  He was born with only one kidney and the one he had was found to have a tumor the size of a soccor ball on it.  He fought such a brave battle, and when the drugs became to hard for him to bear and cut his quality life into something he did not like, he turned his battle over to God.  God granted him an additional 3 years and we are so very thankful for the time that was given to us. 

He left behind his most precious wife Char, his son Willie, and his two daughters, Josie and Lily.  We are blessed with time still spent with his family and my heart and prayers go out to them and I ask God to give me the strength that they, my brothers family, seems to show the world.  I also pray that God will give my parents the comfort and strength that they may need, my mom has found this to be very hard.

My big brother taught me, in the final years of his life, that God is in control and that I needed to always remember that.  He showed me what faith is really about and how much a person could really love their Heavenly Father.  He always called me and the first thing that he would say to me was, 'Hey Sis.'  I can still hear his voice and I am so very thankful for that.  My big brother was a precious gift that I did not fully appreciate until God choose to make me sit up and notice. 

I love and miss you Roy.

Love to All,

midRae

Dreams

I dreamed about my big brother last night. It left me sad and confused. Sad because I miss him, confused because I don't know why he came to me in a dream the way he did. I haven't seen him since January 30. You see, he died on January 26, 2009.

As we were driving to his graveside the song 'Hero' came on the radio. When I heard the first words of the song I cried out and turned the radio off. But just a quickly I turned it back on. I know God was reminding me of how much I looked up to my brother and what a strong person and spirit he is and was.

As we grew up we fought so much and had very little in common. He is five years older than I am and it seems that I was always standing between him and our younger brother. We took different paths in our lives and saw each other rarely. We even lived in the same town but seemed to not have much time for each other.

He was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. We learned to communicate, which I find to be a great blessing. He decided to put his life in God's hands and let God decide what would happen with his life. God gave him some pretty amazing years. My brother taught me that I was not the one in control of my life. That God is the One in control of my life. He showed me that God is taking and sending me to where I would not go on my own. He showed me that God has a plan for me and that only God knows where my life will go. He thaught me how to forgive, without even knowing that he did.

My brother had so much faith and trust in God. He taught us all some life lessons in the last years of his life. I hope and pray that I may have the same faith and trust in God. I love and miss my big brother so much and wish that I could tell him that just one more time.

Love Always,

midRae

Things To Remember...........I had the coolest bike in the world when I was growing up. It was just a plain jane blue bike. Nothing fancy but is was so fast. I remember racing my older brother, him on his 10 speed and me on my little blue bike. I always beat him. I so loved that bike. I don't remember what ever happened to it but it sure did leave me with a great feeling of accomplishment as I grew up. It showed me that I could be a winner, I just had to remember to never give up and try as hard as I could.